I swear that I am not trying to offend anyone.
Okay, now that I said that, I am free to announce that I probably will anyway. Here's how today sort of went.
"What the (explicit language that could get me in trouble) !!!!
I slammed my fist on the bench. This was the fourth day I'd been meaning to get new soccer socks, and I'd forgotten again. Last night, I literally made myself write -
I will get my socks
I will get my socks
I will ge
- before I started doodling.
But come on, I almost wrote it THREE TIMES!
(That's a lie. I was actually early. I just wanted to make it more interesting.)
Screw this, I thought, running up to the pitch.
Now, before you start asking me how long I've been playing soccer for, please keep this in mind:
NOTHING. NEVER. ZERO.
I AM NOT GOOD AT SOCCER.
I literally despise people who start something and think they're pros after two weeks. I AM AN INEXPERIENCED BUNDLE OF EMBARRASSMENT ON THE FIELD. I'm planning to change that, but it might take a while due to the fact that I still trip over my own feet.
Actually, I'm a pretty good defender, because my brain forgets that BALLS HURT.
If anyone giggles and says "that's what she said HEHEHEH" I will personally climb through your window and bitchslap you.
This is how my defending skills compare to some other females.
Idiotic Girls:
"So like, I went to the mall yesterday, and I bought this totally cute little Gucci bag, and it has like little hearts on it and it tots matches my lips. Oh em gee, did you like, hear about Jason? I heard he got blue pants last week! So did I!! That CAN'T be a coincidence. Don't you think we're like, meant for each other???
Well, I bought the pants last year, and they weren't really pants. They were more like a skirt. And it wasn't really blue either. It was pink. But whatever, same thing, right?
No, I am so NOT obsessed with him. He's the one who like, went and got the pants. He's totally flirting with me.
What are you saying? We're playing soccer?
So?
I'm just having a little chat. The ball's all the way ove-
OMG OMG OMG!!!! IT'S COMING!!!!!! RUN!!!!
AAAAARGH!!!!!!
OHMYGOD BRB TTYL #riptome
*starts crying* WHY DID MY LIFE HAVE TO END THIS WAY I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN A BOYFRIEND YET
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT ISN'T SURPRISING???"
*hissing and cursing*
"@$%# YOUUUUUU!!!!!"
Me when the ball is coming:
Brain: Ball. Approaching at high speed. Block with body.
Chest: Uh mate, that's gonna hurt, shouldn't we just-
Brain: Block with chest.
Chest: NO WHY
Brain: It is your punishment for defying me.
Chest: DO YOU EVEN HAVE A HEART
Brain: Of course I don't dumbass. I'm a brain.
Chest: ...
Brain: ...
Chest: Oh. Right.
Brain: Why am I stuck with this moronic chest?
Okay, so now that you know how AMAZING my skills are (ahem *cough*), I'll continue with what happened.
The game began and we were winning 2-0. I was off for the first half, discussing future careers in gold mining with one of my teammates, until it was my shot to go.
I was a striker, so I went down to the left side of the field to and waited.
Soon enough, I realised something.
There was this football (soccer) game in France once, which I watched. There was this Italian player and a French player, and it was almost halfway through the game. The French guy was one of the team's best players; the Italian guy was pretty good too. Now, the French guy's sister was in the hospital, so he was really beaten up about that.
You will not guess what happened next.
The Italian player yelled out an insult to the French guy.
The whole crowd went silent in shock.
Now, it wasn't any insult. It was a vile, despicable one including the words "your sister". It's so bad I can't type it here.
As you can imagine, the French player went wild. He headbutted the Italian guy and was penalised.
Italy won.
I personally don't think there is any glory whatsoever in winning like that. It would've been the same if a player started swearing at the umpire to get extra goals. WTF.
Anyway, it was a really nice day, and I was looking forward to playing. I stood on my spot and immediately, the opposing team's goalie (who I will call Georgina for now, even though I think that's not her name) started insulting my team.
"Oh my god, what's wrong with her?"
"Pfft, she can't even SHOOT!"
"Can I have the ball, if you're done looking at it? (insert smirk here)"
"WHAT is she WEARING??"
I ignored the first few times, but then it started to get on my nerves. She also had this really stupid thing where she gave you a plastic smile after each insult.
"You're a bitch! "*smile*
Eventually though, I got pissed off.
"Excuse me, but WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?" I yelled.
She paused, shocked. Guess she wasn't expecting that.
"You." (smirk)
Wow. Wow, Georgina. AMAZING COMEBACK. I bet your mum's so proud of you now.
"Thanks," I told her, turning away, but not before I gave her an over-exaggerated smile that looked more like something you'd find in the horror section in the halloween mask store.
SHE'S SUCH A (beeeeeeeeep)!!!!!
I heard her whispering something to her friends.
"Excuse me," I heard behind me. I turned around just in time to see an ugly middle finger raised up at me.
Geez, is that even a finger or a sausage??
"Thanks!" I said again. Basically my answer for everything when I don't know how exactly I can reply. I mean, I wanted to punch the shit out of those girls, but life isn't a wish-granting factory.
Oh well. We won anyway. SUCK ON THAT GEORGINA!!